The Very Dreaded 'Talk'
by AggresiveFangirling
Summary: Sirius Black, the godfather, decided to take it upon himself to welcome Harry to the "adult world." But when scarred Harry leaves the room, he will never look at sausages or donuts the same way. Ever again.


_Written by: ...uh, a really tired person.._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but Sirius Black totally did in this xD  
Other: This is placed in Grimmauld Place, fifth year._

 _..._

Snore.

Harry scrunched his eyebrows.

 _Snore._

He pulled his covers tightly over his head.

 _SNORE-_

"Ron!" He flew up in bed and glowered down at his sleeping friend. How it was possible for that _obnoxious_ sound, though smothered by five blankets, still manage to be heard by him. Harry was sure it was the _only_ sound in Grimmauld Place, for the usually clamorous house was surprisingly silent. A glance at his clock confirmed that it was still quite early in the morning. "No one's awake.."

Harry quietly slipped out of their room and down the long staircase. Still quiet. As he strolled into the kitchen, however, feeling his stomach rumble, he was greeted with a friendly, "Morning, Harry!"

Sirius Black leaned lazily back in a chair, grinning. Now, he was usually smiling, that was obvious, but the mischevious glint in his grey orbs made Harry feel a little uneasy.

A little cautiously, Harry returned the unusually broad smile, "Good morning,"

He walked across the room to get himself a glass, quite aware of the fact that Sirius was _still_ smiling at him.

"I've set breakfast for us," His godfather suddenly announced. Harry quirked an eyebrow. He heard something go _clink_ behind him, but when he turned around, nothing had changed. What he saw on the table, were several donuts and freshly cooked sausages. Now, Sirius never cooked. Molly had forbidden him to, saying that though he did not particularly like this house, it wouldn't be wise to burn it down entirely.

Harry eyed him carefully. "Everything okay?"

"Of course! Don't you want to eat?" Sirius asked, pushing the plate towards Harry.

He shook his head. "No, thanks. I'm not too hungry right now," he answered, his eyebrow arching at Sirius' eager face. He was being a bit too sweet today, and you could never trust a former Marauder, not when he was acting too kind for his own good.

"Are you sure Harry?" Sirius persisted. "I was also a young boy once, and I know how nice warm donuts. Why, boys usually love them. They are quite delicious if I do say so myself."

Harry's eyebrow rose higher.

"Well, do suppose some like sausages better, I don't mind that, of course. You eat what you want, but just know that any type of these foods is great. No doubt about that."

Harry stared at Sirius, wondering if he should wake someone up. His godfather could be called odd, but now he was certain he was entirely bonkers, raving on about food.

"What? Don't look at me like I've grown feathers, speak up!"

"A-Are you sure you're feeling alright, Sirius?" Harry asked finally. "Quite alright? Maybe you need to sleep for a while?"

"I'm quite alright, thank you!" Sirius returned cheerfully, "But maybe you should sleep? Take a donut with you."

Harry frowned in confusion. "What…" he muttered, baffled.

Sirius smiled brightly. Again, too brightly. "You see Harry, _as_ your godfather, I must teach you everything. And I mean _everything_. Including how to eat your donuts and sausages," he paused for a moment, mentally chuckling at Harry's perplexed expression. "Ahem – how do I say it? - the right way, if you please."

"Sirius, you might be a little too late for that," Harry grinned, rolling his eyes at Sirius. "Last I checked, you learn that around two. Perhaps I should get Remus? I don't think you're feeling too well."

"Oh, never better, but I mean a different _kind_ of food, something I'm quite sure you haven't eaten that, unless you did without telling, of course." Sirius grinned evilly.

"D'you mind telling me what kind of food you're talking about?" Harry sipped his water.

Sirius' smirk didn't falter. He looked straight into Harry's eyes, and soon enough, realizing what he meant, they widened in absolute horror. He choked on his water. Harry was sure he must have eaten Fred and George's "sweets", because no one could ever have gone from deathly pale to red to a horrid shade of green faster than he had.

"Bloody hell, Sirius! I – uh, I should go n-now, g-good morning – I mean, good b-bye," he muttered incoherently, almost shooting out of his seat and sprinting for the door, without another glance at Sirius, who looked far too pleased with himself.

Feeling sick, Harry shook the door handle. He cursed under his breath. It wouldn't open. He gave it another fierce tug. It wouldn't budge. After a few moments of struggling with the door, he whipped around and glared at smug Sirius.

Harry had to admit defeat. "Sirius, no, don't do this!" he begged. "You don't want to, honestly. You wouldn't want to embarrass your poor, little godson? This is too early!"

Sirius smiled radiantly. "Oh come on, my dear Harry. I will never have another godson, and I need to make the best of it! Come now, we're going to get through this. Even if we have to stay till dinner. March along, or I'll get something for lunch. Something worse than donuts and sausages. Ah, how do bananas and-"

"Alright! I'm coming," Harry hastily interrupted. He did _not_ need to hear more of his sadistic ideas.

"Splendid! Let's get started!" Sirius exclaimed happily. Harry knew the bloody maniac was probably beaming maliciously underneath.

"Finish this already," He slumped. Sirius grinned in triumph.

"Great! So glad we agree on this." Harry rolled his eyes. "As you know, we, just the both of us, are going to talk about a wonderful little thing everyone loves! It's a great hobby of mine-"

"Skip to the point!" Harry groaned. He regretted coming down. Ron's snores suddenly seemed a whole lot more appealing.

With a grin, Sirius began. "Right, you want to get straight to the juicy part." Another groan from Harry. "Okay," Sirius tutted. "Okay, now. As you know, Donuts are the girls and the sausages are boys," he paused and placed a donut and two sausages on the plate in front of Harry, "You can see these are different. No two are alike,"

Harry's face flushed. "This one," Sirius continued, pointing at the smaller sausage. "I will name 'Prongs,'" Harry lifted an eyebrow. Sirius pointed to the other sausage, which significantly larger, almost as it had been jinxed to look so. "This is … Padfoot!"

"Well, as you can see, James- I mean, Prongs is rather small, and Padfoot is big. The sizes are different."

Harry felt as if he was going to puke, but despite his current level of humiliation, he couldn't help but crack a weary smile at Sirius' enthusiasm.

"And you see, the donut doesn't know which one is better, but you should know that Padfoot obviously is," Sirius continued. "Now, you – Oi, stop grumbling, Harry, this is a serious matter - have to do what's best,"

Harry nodded uncomfortably.

"You must choose what's best for you. This brings us to relationships!"

Harry slammed his head on the table.

"I don't mind what you chose, sausage or donut. Mostly, men chose donuts, but of course, you can choose the sausage. It's your choice. You don't really have to chose that, however, because I don't mind what you chose, as long as you're happy."

Harry glared at him. "Want me to be happy? Let me go," he grumbled.

Sirius ignored him, and continued brightly, "Some people prefer a few sausages and maybe even more than one donut. I don't suggest you have more than one. Merlin, some people even like those together, quite a lot of them, too." he paused, "But for curiosity's sake, what do you like better?"

"I'm not gay!" Sirius ignored that. Harry rolled his eyes. "…donut," he muttered, slouching back helplessly.

"Brilliant! Now, would you like to name the donut? We've – well, _I've_ \- named the sausages so you might as well do the same."

Harry turned beet red. "Pass," he muttered dryly, "When is this going to be over?"

"You must! You're ruining this for me, but anyway, okay. I just hope that you chose the right person. That Weasley girl is quite promising."

"Sirius!" Harry's face was practically on fire at this point.

Sirius smirked. "Don't worry, you're almost done. Now, don't be with every donut. You must find the _right_ one, one like I mentioned earlier."

This didn't help with Harry's awkward situation, and all the boy hoped was that this would be over and that no one – Ginny, in particular - should ever hear about this.

"Now, you could be one of the insane, creative types, like Padfoot here," Sirius told him, but Harry was too busy considering suicide to listen. "Or like Prongs, who waits forever. I don't really care if you're like Padfoot, of course, you could do as you like."

Harry's mouth fell open. "WHAT? THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS?!"

Sirius mocked surprise, "My, my, Harry. Haven't you ever heard of 'entertainment'?"

Harry gaped at him. "Go on," he said through gritted teeth.

"Now! You could be like Padfoot-"

"I would rather not."

"-or you could wait, as Prongs did. My, didn't he find a special one." Sirius smiled for a moment. "But before everyone wakes up, I must list the rules."

Harry's head would be severely injured by the time this ended. He threw it back again but did not protest.

"Alright then, rule number one: You're free to go for either donuts or sausages. Rule number two: Be like Prongs, not Padfoot. I'd like that better, as you wouldn't shag every single person- never mind,"

Harry's lips twitched. "Would you like to explain... Ahem... How Prongs and _Padfoot_ are different?" he asked innocently.

Sirius coughed. "Let's just say Padfoot was a bit of a player, and probably - this doesn't have to be true - shagged half the girls in Hogwarts, while Prongs waited for his special donut,"

Harry glanced around for a dustbin, just in case a flood of brown suddenly shot out of his mouth. _'Half the girls?!'_

"Now, the last rule ... I don't know… Ah, yes! Rule number three: Try waiting for _your_ special donut, and don't be a player."

Harry scowled. "May I go now, Professor? I need to throw up."

"But I have more rules!" before Sirius could continue with his many rules, someone banged on the door outside.

"Arthur? Is something wrong with the door? I believe it's stuck," they heard Molly say, followed by Remus and Tonks' voices.

"I believe that's enough for today," Sirius frowned. "But if I have more rules, I'll be sure to tell you them," he said to Harry, who nodded quickly. With a flick of his wand, the door opened again and Harry sighed in relief as Molly, Lupin, and Tonks walked in.

"Now, Sirius, what were you doing here? All shut up in here – oh, hello Harry!" Mrs. Wealey broke off to hug Harry, who remained trapped inside the kitchen.

"Oh! Who cooked these?" Remus said, advancing towards the plate of fresh… sausages.

Sirius threw a wink in Harry's direction. "I did. Go on and have them, Moony, you must be starving." Harry blushed vividly.

Remus shrugged and bit the sausage, which just so happened to be Padfoot. Harry's stomach churned.

Molly laughed, "I never took you for the meaty type, Remus, you hardly ever eat sausages."

Harry felt his insides turn once again.

"Well eat up, Moony, we have more donuts if you like," Sirius added.

Tonks laughed. "Speaking about donuts, Sirius, I'm quite glad he finally switched to something else, he had too many of those last night."

Harry blanched, and felt himself turn green once again. Clutching his stomach, and without another word, bolted out of the kitchen. As soon as he was out of the room, Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

"Harry, dear, are you alright?" Molly called, rushing out after him.

"Leave him, Molly, he might not ever come back again," Sirius choked, tears in his eyes.

Remus eyed him carefully. "Sirius, what did you do?" he asked slowly, his eyes falling onto the donuts and leftover sausages on the table. He frowned as if thinking the whole situation over in his head. A groan suddenly escaped his lips. "Please, please tell me you didn't do what you just did," he begged.

Tonks looked between the two men with confusion.

"Oh! The look on his face!" Sirius gasped, bursting into fresh fits of laughter.

Tonks glanced at Remus for an explanation, which the man gave to her in embarrassment. "Sirius has been going on about… giving Harry _the talk._ "

"Merlin, Sirius! He's only a child!" Tonks exclaimed.

"And well…" Remus' voice trailed off.

Sirius grinned at them. "Yes, I did! And being the brilliant man that I am, used food as an example. Harry's never going to eat either of those ever again, I tell you. Oh, and you two were quite amazing at the end, as well. I should thank you for that."

Tonks blushed, as what he said finally made sense. "Oh sweet Merlin!" she gasped, whacking Sirius' arm. "You told him… he thought that… Remus and I- SIRIUS!"

"The boy will be scarred for life," Remus mused, shaking his head at Sirius, who was currently trying to keep an infuriated Tonks off of him. "But, my, Sirius hasn't changed a _bit."_


End file.
